Rabbi Benjamin YudinMuch More Than Sibling Rivalry

Parshas Toldos presents a struggle and tension in the realm of ethics and etiquette. In the former, it is interesting to note that the Torah describes how Avraham catered to his guests, "and he ran towards them," (18:2), "vayemaher" (v.6), he hurried, "veel habakar ratz avraham" (v.7), "and Avraham ran to the heard." Similarly, Rivka extended her chessed, "vatemaher vatored kadah" (24:18)-"She hastened and brought down her pitcher," "Vatemaher vatear kadah el hashoket"- "She hastened and she poured out her pitcher into the trough."

Yaakov, on the other hand, when commanded by his mother to bring the two goats for her to prepare, understandably in an effort to exact the brachos before Esav returned, the Torah teaches, "Vayelech vayikach vayavei leimo" (27:14), he went and took and brought them to his mother without any haste. Yaakov, the man of truth, found it most difficult to deceive his father. It is only after his mother, Rivka, assured him that she was prophetically informed that he would not suffer for this action that Yaakov acquiesced to her command (charge).

In the realm of etiquette, the Torah teaches that Esav returned from the field feeling faint. He then instructs Yaakov, who had prepared a pottage, to, "pour down my throat some of this red stuff, for I am faint (25:30)." Yaakov, who according to our Chazal (brought down in Rashi) is aware of the serious misdeeds of Esav that had contributed to his feeling faint, realized that his sibling was not worthy of representing his family in spiritual matters and sacrificial service. Yaakov therefore asked Esav to sell him his birthright. Had Esav spurned and shamed the birthright prior to satisfying his hunger, one could perhaps attribute his behavior to his famished predicament. However, the Torah informs us that, "He ate, he drank, he arose, and he went, and Esav shamed the birthright" (25:34).

Our rabbis see Esav's character in the word "vayibez" - he shamed the birthright. The Pirkei D'R' Eliezer (Ch. 28) teaches that Esav spurned and rejected bris milah . Moreover, in Megillas Esther, the verse states, "vayibez bainyan"- it was contemptible to Haman to harm Mordechai alone, so Haman sought to destroy all the Jews. The medrash (Esther Rabbah 7:10) calls Haman a bazuy ben bazuy - the disgraceful son of the (descendant) of the disgraceful one. The only other place that vayibez is used is with Esav, Haman's ancestor. Just as Esav belittled and disgraced the holy, so did Haman belittle and disgrace Israel, the holy people.

In contrast, our heritage is replete with dignity and respect, even when it comes to eating. (See Derech Eretz Rabbah ch. 6-9.) The Shulchan Aruch in Orach Chaim (ch. 170) stresses that one is not to eat in a gluttenous fashion. We are to behave in a dignified manner in order to reflect the tzelem elokim, the sanctity and worth of man who is created "in the image of God." There is no license to "pig-out" , as this is the pattern and behavior of Esav- one who divests himself of sanctity. We thus understand why our sages teach (Kiddushin 40b) that one who eats in the street is compared to a dog, and some say he id disqualified from testifying in court. Rashi explains that since ha lacks self-respect and a sense of shame, two factors that provide a natural barrier to perjury, he can not be relied upon to give honest testimony.

One can appreciate and value their self-worth and dignity if they are ever cognizant of their "tzelem elokim" - their bwing created in the image of God. It is fascinating to note that the soul is called "kavod"- honor. We recite daily the Psalm (30:13), "Lemaan yizamercha kavod velo yidom," - "So that my soul might sing to you and not be stilled". It is the soul and man's awareness thereof that affords him his dignity. Hillel taught his students the same important lesson, when upon leaving them one erev shabbos, he told them he was about to perform a mitzvah. He piqued their interest, and they inquired as to the specifics. Hillel then told his students that he was about to take a bath. When he noticed their amazement, he added that as guards in a museum wash the busts and statues of the king as a sign of respect, I , who was created in the image of God, must certainly do so (Vayikra Rabbaj 34:3).

(There is a delicate and difficult balance between acknowledging one's kavod and worth, and haughtiness. If one is aware of their worth, then their actions, prayer, and Torah study affect, not only to themselves, but to the environment. The Tifferes Shlomo on parshas Noach teaches that Noach did not pray on behalf of his generation as he did not believe that his prayers could have made a difference. How wrong he was.

In addition, the Bach in his commentary on the laws of chanukah writes that the reason the Temple was taken over by the rebels was that the Jewish nation did not show sufficient respect for the Beis HaMikdash. When they did demonstrate their willingness to fight for, and lay down their lives for it, it reverted to being in their hands. When we honor Hashem, man, mitzvos, and Torah, we are honored in return.)

R. Yochanan used to refer to his clothes as "those that honor me." The Talmud (Shabbos 113a) explains the verse in Isaiah (58:13), "vechibadeto measot derachecha" -"and you shall honor it (the shabbos) by not doing your ways". Your shabbos garments should not be the same as your weekday clothes. Moreover, regarding King David, the Talmud (Berachos 62b) teaches that as he "cut off the corner of Saul's cloak" (Samuel I 24:5), "whoever dishonors clothing will in the end not have use of them." Though David's motivation was sincere- he had wanted to show his father-in-law, who wanted to kill him- that when David had the opportunity to inflict harm on Saul, David refrained. Nonetheless, his cutting the corner of Saul's garment resulted in his garments, in later years, being insufficiently warm, as we are taught (Kings I 1:1), "They covered him with garments, but they did not warm him." The Talmud reinforces the principle that only if one gives respect does he receive it in return.

It is interseting to not that the Mishna (Avos 3:15) teaches that if one humiliates another individual in public, you lose your share in the world to come. Yet, if one actually murders somebody, the murderer is subject to capital punishment, but does not lose his share in the world to come. Humiliating another individual deprives him of his kavod - dignity. The Navi Isaiah (43:7) teaches that, "Everyone who is called by My name, and who I have created for My glory", i.e., mans' purpose is to increase the honor of Hashem in this world. By honoring another individual, we acknowledge their worth. Thus teaches Ben Zoma (Avos 4:1) who is honored? He who honors others."

Esav is the epitome of "bizuy"- disregard. The Navi Obadiah refers to him as, "you are very despised". Yaakov is the personification of reverence and respect. He wrests the birthright from his brother, and as Rashi explains (Bereishis 25:31) Yaakov felt that an evildoer such as Esav was not worthy of the sacrificial service. It was not for his own kavod that he purchsed the birthright, but for the honor of Hashem. Yaakov understands the worth and significance of the avodah.

Parshas Toldos provides us with a great deal more than atale of sibling rivalry. It prompts us to ask ourselves- do our mitzvos and tefillos reflect the proper kavod shamayim - honor to Hashem or our own? Often, our prayers are not answered because they only reflect our personal and communal needs. All prayers must include the underlying theme that we want our lives to increase kavod shomayim. We are trying to attain in this world what we are told of Hashem's world: "In His temple all proclaim glory" (Psalms 29:9).