I
Yaakov loved Rachel even more than Leah…Hashem saw that Leah was hated (Braishis 29:30,31). Although Yaakov loved Leah, she is called hated, since Yaakov loved Rachel more (Ramban)
The Torah allows men to marry more than one wife, however, it is considered shameful unless the first wife is barren (Psikta Rabbosi 43, Meiri Yevamos 65b, Avos D'Rabbi Nassan 2). Rabbeinu Gershom prohibited polygamy a thousand years ago, and his ruling is now universally accepted.
Nonetheless, the lesson of the Ramban remains critical. A married woman must feel that her husband loves her more than anyone or anything else. The obligation to honor one's wife more than oneself (Yevamos 62b) includes one's interests and preoccupations as well. A wife must respect her husband's schedule, but if she finds it necessary to interrupt him, he must respond with concentration and empathy. Otherwise, she may feel hated, loved less than his other pursuits.
"One must love one's wife as he loves himself" (ibid). "One who is lovesick thinks about his beloved always, when he is sitting, standing, eating or drinking. His mind is never removed from his love of her" (Rambam, Hil. Teshuva 10:3). Just as one is always concerned about himself, so should he be lovingly mindful of his wife.
II
Even more so should the love of Hashem be in the heart of those who love Him. They think of this love always, as He has commanded, "with all your heart and with all your soul" (Devarim 6:5). This is Shlomo's metaphor, "I am sick with love" (Shir Hashirim 2:5) and all of Shir Hashirim is a metaphor for this (Rambam ibid.)
Unfortunately, we have not always lived up to the Rambam's standard of ahavas Hashem. For example, we said, "Because of Hashem's hatred for us He took us out of the land of Egypt, to deliver us into the hand of the Emori to destroy us" (Devarim 1:27). "He loved you, but you hated Him, as the popular saying says, ‘that which is in your heart about your friend is what you think is in his heart about you'" (Rashi). We call this phenomenon projection. Yet it seems incomprehensible that Bnei Yisroel would hate Hashem, even during the sin of the spies.
Perhaps hate in this context should be interpreted based on the Ramban. Bnei Yisroel at that time preferred the comforts of the past to the challenge of entering Eretz Yisroel upon Hashem's command. Since their love of Hashem was secondary to their other desires, Rashi states that they hated Hashem (Rav Resach Oratz).
This led to the paradoxical conclusion in response to the spies' report, "…isn't it better for us to return to Egypt. Let us appoint a leader and let us return to Egypt" (Bamidbar 14:3,4).
The Torah itself accuses Am Yisroel of hating Hashem, "Because you despised Hashem…saying ‘why did we leave Egypt'" (ibid 11:20). This hatred, too, can be understood as a relative term. Bnei Yisroel explicitly recalled the food in Egypt, "we remember the fish that we ate in Egypt free of charge, and cucumbers, melons, leeks, onions, and garlic" (ibid 11:5). Their overemphasis on food renders their love of Hashem insignificant. Like Yaakov's secondary love of Leah, it is referred to by the Torah as hatred.
III
Proof for this interpretation can be found in Rashi's comment on Hashem's alleged hatred of Am Yisroel, that is, that He allegedly took us out of Egypt because of hatred. Rashi compares it to a human king who has two sons and two fields…to the one he loves he gives the irrigated field; to the one he hates he gives the field which depends on rain only. Hashem took us out of irrigated Egypt to the seemingly inferior Canaan which depends on rain (Devarim 1:27). [In fact, Canaan is superior (Rashi 11:10, Bamidbar 13:22)].
Why did Bnei Yisroel say, according to their mistaken assumption, that Hashem hated them? They should have said, "He loves us less than others." Apparently secondary love is called hatred.
The metaphor of two sons also resonates in the family of Yaakov Avinu. Yaakov loved Yosef more than all his sons (Breishis 37:3).
A person should never treat one son differently than his other sons, for on account of the fine wool of the garment that Yaakov gave Yosef in excess of what he gave to his other sons, his brothers became jealous of him. The matter evolved until our forefathers descended to Egypt (Shabbos 10b)
One must attempt to love all his children equally. In any event, he should never demonstrate a preference for one particular child. Given each child's different needs and circumstances, this can prove to be extraordinarily challenging. Nonetheless, it is crucial because a child who thinks he is less loved sometimes considers himself hated. This can cause jealousy and a break in the family.
IV
We live in an age of overindulgence. Our wealth allows us to eat out in an ever increasing number of kosher eateries, offering ever new variations of fancy menus. Party planners make seudos mitzvah more and more ostentatious. So much emphasis is placed on clothes, cars, furnishings, and homes. This is not a welcome development. Flaunting wealth is a violation of the critical attribute of modesty. Moreover, it arouses the jealousy of neighbors, including non-Jewish ones. Rather, we should hide our material success, as Yaakov Avinu said, "Why do you make yourselves conspicuous" (Breishis 42:1).
The Kli Yakar (Devraim 2:31) bemoaned this problem four hundred years ago. "Those who display fancy clothing and homes cause anti-Semitism. This widespread custom causes all the problems that beset us. The wise should understand this and learn the lesson."
Sometimes this overindulgence constitutes a love of honor and pleasure that makes our love of Hashem relatively insignificant. As we have seen, this diminishing of ahavas Hashem can even be referred to as hateful. Consider these powerful words of the Sefer Hachinuch (418):
One who focuses his thoughts on physical matters and the futilities (havlei) of the world, not for the sake of Heaven, but merely to enjoy them or to achieve illusory honor, not intending to assist and strengthen good and upstanding people, violates (bitel) the positive commandment to love Hashem, and his punishment is great.
Each of us must engage in soul searching to measure our fulfillment of ahavas Hashem by comparing it to our other pursuits. The Sefer Hachinuch allows us to focus on the physical, for the sake of Heaven and to help others. Beyond that it compromises our primary love of Hashem.
"For I have seen all that Lavan is doing to you" (Breishis 31:12). Previously, Yaakov dreamt of angels climbing to Hashem. Now he dreams of speckled sheep. It is time to leave Lavan and return home (31:13), to focus primarily on spiritual pursuits, on the love of Hashem.
Our dreams reflect our innermost desires and thoughts. The American dream is rags to riches. The Torah dream is spiritual ascent. As we read about Yaakov Avinu, we should focus on improving our loving relationships with our spouses, our children, and our Creator.