Rabbi Dr. Abraham J. TwerskiTu B'Av - The Greatest of Our Holidays

"There were no yamim tovim for Israel like Tu b'Av and Yom Kippur, on which the daughters of Jerusalem would go out in borrowed white garments (to avoid embarrassing those who had no fine clothes), and they would dance in the vineyards. Young men were told, ‘Do not look for physical attractiveness, but look for the familial origin. Charm is false and beauty is empty; the woman who fears Hashem is praised" (Taanis 26b).

We have all attended many weddings, and we have heard the berachos recited after the man and woman have become husband and wife by the giving of the ring. The first beracha is shehakol bara lichvodo, that Hashem has created everything for His glory. This is indeed a wonderful concept, but have we ever given any thought to its relevance to the marriage ceremony? This idea would be in place on many other occasions, such as with the performance of any of the mitzvos, yet we do not recite it at other times. Our sages surely had a reason for making it part of the marriage ritual.

The relevance of this beracha to marriage occurred to me at the airport. I was standing on the moving walkway, and an airline employee noticed a friend on the adjacent moving walkway, which was moving in the opposite direction. They could exchange only a few words, because they were soon out of each other's range.

Many couples who consult a marriage counselor are told that their problem is one of "communication," that they do not know how to communicate properly. It occurred to me that the two people on the walkways may have excellent abilities to communicate, but they could not put them to good use because they were heading in opposite directions.

This may also be true of marriage. The man might see the marriage as fulfilling his particular needs, and the woman might view the marriage as fulfilling her particular needs. If this is so, then they are heading in different directions, and their shalom bayis is on a shaky foundation.

Our sages, therefore, instruct the young couple that whereas every person has legitimate needs, the primary purpose of the marriage is to further kevod shamaim, to establish a family that will bring greater glory to Hashem. When this is the foundation of the marriage, individual differences between husband and wife do not affect the basis of the marriage, and they may be reconciled more easily. If individual needs are primary, any frustration of one's needs undermines the very foundation of the marriage.

This requires an orientation which is alien to western civilization, which is the most hedonic in history. As I pointed out in a previous essay, Ramchal begins Mesilas Yesharim with "The Obligations of a Person in the World." Living a Torah life requires more than observance of the halachos. It requires that a person be driven by the will to do what Hashem wants, and this is the all-important area of middos. Preoccupation with "what I want" is very likely to encroach on what others may want, and in the close relationship of marriage may result in conflict. Sometimes a couple may be so perfectly matched that their individual goals are so harmonious that no conflict occurs, but this is indeed a rarity. Most often it is ezer kenegdo, a helpmate that may be opposite in many ways.

Human beings are composite creatures, being comprised of a physical body which is essentially an animal body with all the drives characteristic of an animal, and a neshama which is G-dly in nature. Hashem created man and woman betzelem Elokim, and when both primarily seek to emulate Hashem and fulfill the tzelem Elokim, making the strivings of the neshama primary, the frustrations which are often divisive in marriage are avoided.

The message of Tu b'Av makes it the greatest of all yamim tovim. "Charm is false and beauty is empty; the woman who fears Hashem is praised." When a relationship is based primarily on personal gratification, it is "false and empty," void of the ingredients that can make it an enduring and happy marriage.

Never before in Jewish history has the incidence of failed marriages been so high, with tragic effects on both partners and catastrophic effects on their children. We are derelict in not having a true perspective of what a Torah-true marriage should be like, and the young men and women who are taught Torah in yeshivos and seminaries are woefully unprepared for marriage.

We must teach our sons and daughters that the goal of marriage is shehakol bara lichvodo, and the most effective way of impressing them with this is by modeling our marriages for them. Just think what nachas you will have when your children have healthy, happy marriages, because they are united by a common goal, shehakol bara lichvodo.