Our parsha picks up in the midst of the suspenseful drama that is unfolding between Yosef and his brothers regarding the fate and safe return of Binyamin. However, the root of the tension between them is found back in Parshas Vayeishev where the Torah tells us, "And Yisrael loved Yoseph more than all of his sons, because he was a son of his old age, and he made him a fine woolen coat. And his brothers saw that their father loved him more than all his brothers, so they hated him, and they could not speak with him peacefully" (Breishis 3:3-4). The other shevatim came to despise and resent Yosef because of the special gifts and affection that he received from Yaakov Avinu. This leads the Gemara (Shabbos 10b) to conclude, "a person should never distinguish one of his sons from among the other sons by giving him preferential treatment. For it was due to the weight of two sela of fine wool that Yaakov gave to Yosef, beyond what he gave the rest of his sons, in making him the striped coat, that his brothers became jealous of him and the matter unfolded and our forefathers descended to Mitzrayim." In fact, the Chasam Sofer quotes in the name of the Arizal that the name "Yosef" itself has the same numerical value as the word "kinah" - "jealousy" to indicate that Yosef's very existence and the preferential manner in which he was treated is what aroused the jealousy and hatred of his brothers. But wasn't the bitter reaction of the shevatim predictable? How could Yaakov Avinu not have foreseen that showering Yosef with special gifts and privileges would create resentment that could potentially lead to infighting amongst his children?
The problem is compounded in light of this week's parsha where the same behavior seems to be repeated by Yosef. When Yosef equipped his brothers for their return trip to Eretz Yisrael he provided each of them with a new set of clothing, but to Binyamin he gave five sets of clothing, as the pasuk states, "He gave ... to each one changes of clothes, and to Binyamin he gave ... five changes of clothes" (Breishis 45:22). The Gemara (Megillah 16b) asks, "is it possible that in the very thing from which Yoseph had suffered he himself should stumble by showing favoritism to Binyamin?" Hadn't Yosef gleaned from his own personal experiences that demonstrating preferential treatment towards one of his siblings was ill advised? After becoming reunited with his family following a long and painful hiatus, why would Yosef initiate the same process of alienation all over again by giving Binyamin more than everybody else? The Gemara resolves that "Yosef was not showing favoritism, rather he intimated to Binyamin that a descendant was destined to issue from him who would go out from the presence of the king wearing five royal garments, as it is stated: And Mordecai went forth from the presence of the king in royal apparel of sky blue and white, and with a great crown of gold, and with a wrap of fine linen and purple". How does foreshadowing to the experiences of Mordechai, a descendant of Binyamin, justify or excuse preferential treatment?
Moreover, in Parshas Vayechi, Yaakov Avinu himself seems to sow the seeds of jealousy again this time amongst his grandchildren by elevating two of them above the rest. When he was introduced to Yosef's family he declared, "and now, as for your two sons, who were born to you in the land of Mitzrayim, until I came to you, to the land of Mitzrayim they are mine, Ephraim and Menashe shall be mine like Reuven and Shimon" (Breishis 48:5). Didn't Yaakov realize that by singling out only two of grandchildren he was running the risk of making the other grandchildren feel rejected and marginalized? Hadn't he learned from the episode of Yosef and his brothers to treat everyone in the family equally?
It seems that despite being taboo in our society, and particularly amongst children, to display any kind of treatment that is not equal or completely fair, there are certain instances where parental favoritism is acceptable and indeed required. For example, parents routinely give more attention to newborns than they do to their older children. The same goes for children who are unfortunately ill or disabled. Parental favoritism becomes personal and offensive when it is perceived as being arbitrary. It is obvious that parents must mold their parenting to the specific circumstances, needs, and challenges of each individual child, even if it means channeling more time, energy, resources, attention, and affection towards that specific child at the expense of the other siblings. The Chasam Sofer makes this inference from the language of the Gemara which states, "a person should never distinguish one of his sons, from among the other sons, by giving him preferential treatment." The Gemara is careful to limit its condemnation of favoritism to instances where it is "one of his sons from among the other sons," in other words, where all of the sons are similar. However, if one of the sons is presented with a unique challenge or circumstance then differentiated parenting is advisable and indeed required despite the reaction that it might elicit from the other siblings.
Perhaps Yaakov Avinu foresaw that Yosef would encounter unique challenges, different from those of the other shevatim, and therefore he was required to tailor his parenting accordingly. Rashi (Breishis 37:3) writes that the "kesones pasim" (spelled, peh, samech, yud, mem) - "fine woolen coat", that Yaakov made for Yosef, is actually an acronym for Potiphar, socharim (merchants), Yishmaelim, Midyanim, corresponding to the unique tests that Yosef would face in future. He was tempted by the wife of Potiphar and before that he was sold into slavery first to a group of Midyanim and then to a caravan of Yishmaelim. In order to confront and prevail over these obstacles Yaakov fashioned for Yosef a special cloak that was intended to strengthen him and protect him from harm. Similarly, Rashi writes that "all that Yaakov had learned from Shem and Ever he passed on to Yosef." Rav Yaakov Kamenetsky (Emes Le'Yaakov) explains that Yaakov transmitted to Yosef specifically the Toras Hagalus, those survival skills for the exile that he acquired during his fourteen-year stint in the Yeshiva of Shem and Ever (See Rashi Breishis 28:9), because he sensed that Yosef too would be required to spend a prolonged period of time in exile. Yaakov spent extra time with Yosef in order to prepare him for his unique mission because the primary responsibility of every parent is to address the unique circumstances of each individual child even though it runs the risk of provoking feelings of jealousy amongst the other children.
For this same reason Yaakov felt that he was obliged to give special attention to Ephraim and Menashe. Rav Yaakov Kamenetsky notes that the pasuk introduces Yaakov's intention to bless Ephraim and Menashe with the words, "and now, as for your two sons, who were born to you in the land of Mitzrayim." Yaakov recognized that since these two grandchildren were born outside of their ancestral home, far away from the support and inspiration of their family, they would require an extra dose of chizuk and warmth. Additionally, Yaakov sensed that Ephraim needed even more encouragement than Menashe for when Yosef named his eldest son Mensahe he did so because "Hashem has caused me to forget all my toil and all my father's house" (Breishis 41:51). When Yosef was raising Menashe, he was still pondering his father's household and the experiences of his youth. He had not yet become completely immersed in his activities in Mitrzayim. We find that Yosef even taught Menashe to speak Hebrew, a skill he later put to use when serving as the interpreter between Yosef and his brothers (see Rashi, Breishis 42:23). However, when Yosef gave his younger son the name Ephraim he did so for "Hashem has made me fruitful in the land of my affliction" (Breishis 41:52). His focus was no longer on his father's household but rather on Mitzrayim. Indeed, the name Ephraim was arguably an Egyptian name for it contained the letters peh and reish also found in the names Pharoah, Potiphar, and Shifrah. Therefore, Yaakov did not hesitate to break with tradition and give precedence to Ephraim by blessing him with his right hand while reserving his weaker hand for Menashe even though this could have been construed as a slight of Menashe who was older and deserving of greater honor.
Children may think that they want to be treated equally, but in truth everyone wants to be recognized for the ways in which they are special and one of a kind. No one wants to be seen as a carbon copy of their sister or brother. To that end, the objective of parents is to recognize the unique identity of each child and structure their parenting to help each child maximize their individual potential. When Yosef presented his two children to Yaakov he placed Menashe on the right and Ephraim on the left in anticipation of the manner in which they would be blessed. "But Yisrael stretched out his right hand and placed it on Ephraim's head, although he was the younger, and his left hand he placed on Manasseh's head. He guided his hands deliberately, for Manasseh was the firstborn" (Breishis 48:14). Yaakov crossed his arms in order to bless Ephraim with the right hand and Menashe with left hand. Why did Yaakov awkwardly cross his arms when administering the blessings to his grandchildren instead of simply repositioning the boys by asking them to swap places with each other? The Chizkuni explains that in educating children we can not ask a child to move from here to there or to change their unique nature and identity. Our objective is to meet the child where they are and to cater to their specific needs and challenges even if it requires us to awkwardly adjust our initial plan.
In a recent podcast, Rav Daniel Kalish of the Mesivta of Waterbury, related that he was once asked whether a certain yeshiva is lechatchilah - ideal, or bedieved - only in response to a given reality. He responded cleverly by saying that "in chinuch lechatchilah is pasul bedieved" - "in education the ideal is disqualified absolutely." Every parent has hopes and dreams for their children and should encourage them to maximize their potential. But ultimately, every parent should also recognize that their style of chinuch must always be in response to the individual identity of each particular child. It would be wrong and unwise to attempt to impose a theoretical "ideal" institution on a child who is unsuited for that approach or method.
Of course, parents are likely to form personal bonds with each one of their children in different ways depending upon their personality, preferences, and general compatibility, but any kind of arbitrary preferential treatment directed towards one child over the others should be avoided. Nonetheless, parents must also be sensitive to the shifting circumstances and challenges of each child and allocate their resources accordingly regardless of the reaction it might provoke amongst the other siblings. If so, some form of parental favoritism is unavoidable and actually is an indispensable ingredient of good parenting. When this is the case, what can be done to offset the negative and harmful impact that any kind of favoritism can inevitably have on the other siblings?
In these kinds of situations, it is critical that parents communicate, explicitly or implicitly, to their other children that the circumstances of each child are different and it is unhealthy and unproductive to draw comparisons and demand absolute equality. According to the Radak, the cloak that Yaakov Avinu made for Yosef contained many colors. The Tolna Rebbe (Heimah Yenachamuni) suggests that the different colors were meant to indicate to the other children that each child has their own unique personality and mission and therefore demands a different style of parenting. Similarly, the additional sets of clothing that were given to Binyamin were designed to fortify Mordechai, who was "accepted by most of his brethren" (Esther 10, 3) but "not all of his brethren" (Megillah 16b), to pursue his own unique assignment of synthesizing his duties on the Sanhedrin with his efforts in political affairs over the objections of his peers. In addition, the variety of these sets of clothing served to remind Yosef's brothers that each one of them wore a different hat and had a different mission. Parents who discuss these differences with their children can go a long way towards minimizing and mitigating the negative consequences of perceived parental favoritism.
We should bear in mind something else as well. The pasuk states, "the deeds of the Mighty Rock are perfect" (Devarim 32:4). In what way are the actions of Hashem "perfect"? Rav Elchanan Wasserman (Koveitz Maamarim) explains that when a human judge issues a verdict it does not take into account the collateral damage that ensues, only the defendant and their specific actions. However, when Hashem dispenses justice all aspects and consequences of the ruling are considered and measured and included in the original decision. Reb Simcha Bunim of Peshischa interprets in this fashion the pasuk, "the judgments of Hashem are true, altogether just" (Tehillim 19:10). Not only are the judgements themselves true and correct, but its effect on the rest of the family is just as well. Siblings are not random individuals that happen to have been born to the same parents but rather they all are part of same family unit which constitutes its own entity. The same way that parents are uniquely suited to address the specific needs of their children, so too siblings must accept that it is their responsibility to support each other and sometimes be flexible for the sake of the greater good. Parents should not necessarily strive to treat all of their children equally but to make each child in the family feel special and unique so that they can each fulfill their individual mission.